Put Your Spouse First

All marriages are bound to have their hardships. We learn that from the very first couple on the Earth, Adam and Eve. They started out in a state of innocence and glory, but due to their choices, ended up in a fallen world faced with many trials of their own. Their experience relates to all individuals. It seems that when we first get married everything is just perfect! Why wouldn’t it be? Our life-long hunt is now over and we have found the love of our life! But, it doesn’t take long until reality hits.

 Despite hardships, marriage is full of wonderful moments; but it’s our choice to make it that way. If we are so focused inward, we won’t have the time or ability to focus on our spouse. We need to show our spouse that they are the highest priority in our lives. That is done by giving them the attention they need, showing gratitude for the small things, and striving to better ourselves.

 This week my husband has been so sweet. He’s seen how stressed I’ve been with school and other things and has done a ton to help me out. Nothing was really big or extraordinary, but his small sacrifices have meant the world to me. I was shown first hand how putting your spouse first strengthens a relationship. He had homework and work with is calling to do, but he put me first. I hope to do a better job in following his example to make sure he knows that he is truly valued.

Sacrifice brings Blessings

“Afflictions are the process by which God cultivates growth… Since marriage is God’s finishing school, we should expect more afflictions or challenges in marriage than in any other arena of life.” –H. Wallace Goddard

 Marriage is the greatest blessing, but also brings some of the greatest tests. In order for a marriage to be a joyful one, we must learn to nurture it. I haven’t been married for very long, but in the 5 months that I have been married I’ve learned that it doesn’t work if you put yourself first. There is no way to focus on our spouse if we are so worried about ourselves. It’s an adjustment because before marriage we spend all our time worrying about ourselves… or at least it seems like it. Where should I go to school? Where should I work? How do I look? Who should I marry? How do I feel about that? All of our decisions are based on what we want and what we think is best. Marriage is a whole different story. In marriage it changes from ME to WE… and it’s wonderful! But we must choose for it to be that way.

Goddard said, “A godly approach to marriage will entail inconvenience and sacrifice.” Any time we put someone before ourselves is a sacrifice, but blessings come from sacrifice. I think a great and powerful “sacrifice” is to admire your spouse. Pay attention to the small… and big things that your spouse selflessly does and what it is that you truly love about them (maybe even what made you fall in love in the first place). Make a conscious effort to recognize your spouse’s strengths, and look past weaknesses. It’s important to remember that we all have weaknesses.

Another great and important sacrifice is to put your spouse first. Let your spouse know that they are important to you. Let them feel that they are loved. My husband and I both work full-time and do school full-time. Sometimes it’s easy for these things to get in the way of each other. We’ve noticed this and the effect it has on our relationship and have made a goal to make sure we go on a date once a week. This is a time that we can put everything else behind us and just focus on each other. We look forward to our weekly dates and are able to reconnect after a long, hard week. It's my favorite!  I encourage all to take time every week to date your spouse. It makes all the difference and is such a blessing! Let your spouse know that they are the most important thing to you!

Power in Friendship

This week we have started reading “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman. In it he describes the importance of friendship in marriage. He believes that strong marriages consist of strong friendships. I would have to say that I agree. If a marriage is built on friendship, there’s a special bond already established. The couple knows how to have fun, they can enjoy each other’s company, but most importantly they know each other. They have taken time to know each other’s strengths, weaknesses, fears, dreams, goals, hobbies, likes, dislikes, pasts, trials, etc. With a foundation like that, how can couples fail? I believe that to truly know someone, and to have a strong friendship, you must forget yourself. If we spend so much of our time worried about ourselves and our own problems, we don’t have time to focus on the needs of our loved ones. That is something that I’ve been trying to work on lately. I feel that sometimes I get so caught up in things that I’m dealing with that it’s easy to have too much attention on myself. I’ve noticed that the times that I completely forget myself my marriage feels stronger and I am much happier. I believe that a foundation of friendship makes it easier to resolve problems as well. When conflict comes, those with strong friendships know how to best help each other and wouldn’t want to hurt each other in the first place. Let us all do what we can to become true friends with our spouses.

Marriage is Meant to Last

This week I read a talk by Bruce C. Hafen called “Covenant Marriage”. It was really powerful and shows how important marriage really is. In this talk he discusses the differences between contractual marriages to covenant marriages. He says:

“When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent, covenant companions each give 100 percent.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself! I love this quote!

After reading and pondering this talk, I’ve thought of a few things that I want to do to ensure that I have a covenant marriage rather than a contractual marriage.

-Focus on putting the Lord first. I want to strive to put Him first in my life, in my marriage, and in my family. When the Lord is put first, EVERYTHING else falls into place. He not only blesses us, but He gives us strength to overcome trials and hardships and the ability to become better.

-Increase in my spirituality with my husband through daily prayer and scripture study together. If we have the Spirit in our lives we will have to power to fight off any temptation.

-Remember that I can do hard things. We weren’t sent down here to earth for it to be easy! So why run when things get hard? I’ve learned that throughout my life every single hard thing I have gone through has made me stronger. Every time.

-Communicate! If there is not open communication, problems are bound to happen. Constant and open communication will keep us on the same page so that we can work together towards keeping a covenant marriage. I’ve noticed that every time my husband and I talk about an issue things instantly get easier and we grow so much closer.

-Sacrifice. Marriage isn’t about me. Marriage is about forgetting myself and focusing on others. There is a strength that comes from sacrificing, and I believe that there is no greater way to increase love for someone than to serve them. “…When ye are in the service of your fellow being ye are only in the service of your God.” –Mosiah 2:17

-Keep the promises that I’ve made with my Heavenly Father. I have made promises at baptism and in the temple. If I can stay true to those, there is no way my marriage will falter.

There are many other ways that I can strive to have a covenant marriage, but these are some of the thoughts that I had. I’m grateful for my marriage. I’m grateful that because I was married in the temple, the Lord’s house, my marriage won’t end at death but it’ll last for eternity. I’m grateful that I have made a covenant with my sweet husband AND with the Lord. My marriage has been such a wonderful gift in my life and I look forward to all that it brings in the future.

*If you would like to read the full talk, here is the link! I highly recommend it! https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/123343-Online.2016.Fall.FAML300.07/Course%20Files/Covenant_Marriage_Hafen.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=G6V5qWztTShCBtaTE2Z8067Ok&ou=123343)