When Two Become One

Marriage... This post is about marriage, and I cannot relate! This week in class was super interesting though. We talked about the blessings and the hardships that are experienced within marriage. My whole life I was told that marriage is hard and it takes work to be successful, but I don't think I ever really comprehended that one. In my mind I thought "why on earth would it be hard? If you love each other, what's hard about it?" I would watch fairy tales and chick flicks and imagine my future life to be like that. In some ways that's true, but in most, that's not the case. I'm not saying that marriage isn't fun, and that it's a constant battle, but if you're not willing to work on your weaknesses and make compromises, it can't be as successful as one would dream.

Although I don't have much (actually absolutely NO) experience on this topic, I think one of the most difficult aspects of beginning married life is having to adjust. We all have lived our lives the way that we've wanted for 20+ years, and then all of a sudden we're married and share our lives with someone else who may have been living theirs completely differently.

I don't think we realize how big of a deal the little things are until we completely share our lives with someone else. Here are some examples that can make adjusting a little more difficult:

-Finances. That can either be a HUGE blessing or a HUGE struggle. I am a saver and have a hard time spending a lot of money. If I married a man that didn't know how to save and bought everything and anything, I know I would have a difficult time figuring out a balance.
-Sleeping patters. I don't like sleeping in a hot room. I prefer cold. Also, every night before I go to sleep, I unmake my bed, lift up my legs to let my blanket fall over them, and get all bundled up (haha #WEIRDO). Some people love sleeping with it warm and having their blankets tucked into the bed....adjustment!
-Chores in the home. Who does what? I was raised having a mom that cooks and cleans, while my dad works hard and provides for the family. But, my dad knows know to clean and helps out, and does when needed. Does your potential spouse know how to help out? Are they willing to?
-Habits. We all have weird habits and ways that we do things. I fold my towels a certain way, load the dishwasher a certain way, and even have the same getting ready routine. I know that everyone does things differently, so it's something to expect when you get married. The thing that causes difficulties is when you give off the appearance that how your spouse does things is incorrect. Nothing is worse than going in and fixing/changing what they've done when they were just trying to help. What does that show them? I think that it gives the appearance that you are unappreciative! Let your spouses help, whether they do things the way you like it or not!
-Schedules. Everyone has different schedules and that can be a difficult adjustment. Once you're married, it's not just about you anymore.... it becomes "us." Everything deals with the two of you!! No more single life!!!
-Traditions. I don't know about you but I LOVE traditions and we have quite a few in my family. In marriage, basically two families are combining. You now are dealing with both families and their traditions. You have to figure out where you go for your holidays and who you spend time with, how to share the time, and how to keep all involved. As a new couples though, you get to create your own new family, with your own new traditions, AND IT'S YOUR VERY OWN!!
-Child birth. This one is HUGE! And has HUGE effects on marriage. It can either strengthen it or weaken it. Studies have shown that many times marriage satisfaction goes down after a child is born. This is due to so much focus on the child that the focus on each other isn't as common. Many times the husbands suffer because they may feel helpless. They may go to help but their wives have the "I've got this" attitude and put all their efforts into helping this little baby. I'm not saying that you shouldn't focus on the baby, but there's a way to be a great parent and keep both of you involved in raising the child. You BOTH created it, and you BOTH are needed in raising it successfully. I'm grateful for this class because it opened my eyes on this topic. I feel that sometimes it's so easy to forget about what is most important, something we don't always think about. BUT it can also be a huge strength to your marriage if you are willing to WORK!
-Making decisions. We all have different interests and goals, so sometimes agreeing on something can be a struggle. My parents play the 1-10 method where they rank the importance 1-10 and decide based on that. I think that's a pretty smart idea, that way you always know how your spouse is feeling about a certain idea.

OVERLOAD! Sorry for all the examples but they're SO IMPORTANT!... and there are WAY more, but those are a few big ones. Basically moral of the story: compromise, communication, sacrifice, and selflessness are KEY to a successful marriage. This post isn't made to scare anyone off, but to point out that it takes work on both of our parts. This is a two person job! Although it's a huge commitment, I look forward to the day that I am married and can figure all of this out for myself. What an adventure!

Dates to Mates

I don't know if it was just me, or if it's a girl thing, but I remember when I was younger I would get so excited about going on dates. I would watch movies and think that they were the most perfect thing ever. I even remember being in middle school and planning out the PERFECT date! Why is it that I got so excited? Maybe it was because I got the chance to spend my evening with a handsome guy, or that it was something fun that was different than my regular life, or maybe it was just the excitement of knowing someone actually wanted to spend their evening with ME! Even as I've gotten older and dating has become more of a reality rather than a dream, I still get excited! BUT, I can't say that I've always been excited AFTER the dates were over. Let's just say, I've been on many great dates, but also I've been on my fair share of bad ones too. Is that rude of me??

A couple examples of BAD dates:
-One time a guy and his friend asked my roommate and I to go rock climbing. We agreed of course. When we got there we weren't exactly sure if it was a date or not, so we weren't sure if we were paying for ourselves or not. The boys ended up paying for us and we had fun. But then after, we went to get ice cream and the boys completely switched who they paid for and who they decided to talk to so it was SUPER awkward and I was so confused the whole time!
-Another time I was asked to a school dance with a guy. Probably my fault it didn't turn out so great because I wasn't too interested in him. It was an ugly sweater dance but he didn't have a sweater, so he had me draw pictures with sharpies on a plain white t-shirt for him to wear. Then he had me go meet his mom, and we went to the dance later that night. At the dance, he ended up ditching me and hanging out with a group of girls (looking back, I probably didn't do my best either to keep him with me). It was just another award date that definitely wouldn't go on my list of favorites.
-Last example... GUYS! IF YOU'RE GOING TO ASK A GIRL ON A DATE, ACTUALLY SHOW UP!!! I've had a couple times where a guy would ask me out or make plans and just not show up. Did they forget? Did they change their minds? Were they not completely serious about it and it was just an idea? All I know is that all of these guys pretended like nothing happened after the fact of not showing up. Do you know how frustrating that is to a girl? If you don't want to go on a date with her, DON'T ASK HER! THE END.

But, I'm not here to complain and just tell you about bad dates I've been on. I've actually been on some pretty amazing one's that I have really enjoyed. Especially this summer... I went on so many fun dates!

Examples:
-I love hotdogs. Everyone who knows me knows that. There was a guy that knew of a specific hotdog place that I liked. He looked it up and for the date we made those hotdogs! Then he taught me how to drive donuts because he knew I wanted to try that really bad. It was just good because it showed that he listens.
-Another one that I loved was when I was picked up to go to lunch. He picked me up and then we drove pretty far out of town to go to a super cute small town that I have never been to before. I loved the atmosphere of the town and just the spontaneousness of getting out of my town and eating somewhere different for lunch. He knew that I love pie so we went to this cute family owned place and got some yummy lunch and delicious pie after. I don't know why it was so exciting, but it's the small things that go a long way with me.
-One of my favorites was this summer. We had been wanting to go on a picnic, so we did it! The plan was to go get some yummy pizza, but the place was closed so we got sandwiches instead (I loved it because he was able to just go with the flow). Then we went to the most beautiful spot to eat and just sat and talked. He then had a surprise for me and took me to this spot to send up floating lanterns. I was amazed because he knew it was something I had on my bucket list, so he made sure it happened. We then talked some more and just enjoyed our evening together. It was so laid back, but so much fun!!

I've realized that my idea of a DREAM date has changed. It used to be a specific thing that was planned that I thought would be so fun. Now, I feel like a dream date for me is one where I feel cared for. My favorite dates have been ones where I can tell that they guy has been listening/ paying attention to things that I say and enjoy. It doesn't even have to be big, elaborate, and expensive. Sometimes simple is just perfect, as long as there was thought behind it.

But what is it that makes a great date? What determines if it'll be in the "good date" category or the "bad date"?

The 3 P's of Dating: (This can go for guys or girls, whoever is asking on the date!)
Planned: A plan is so important. I can't tell you how lame it is when you get asked on a date and then they ask you what you want to do! Let you're date know what's going on! OR if it's a surprise, give them a heads up on what they should wear or how they can best be prepared for the date. Take the lead and be in control with what happens on your date.
Paid for: Nothing is more confusing and awkward than not knowing if your date is paying for you or not. I'm a firm believer that if you ask someone on a date, you should pay. But not even that. It doesn't even have to be a date that costs money or is expensive. If not, just make sure that the resources are in order and are prepared and ready for the date.
Paired off: Make sure your date knows that they're supposed to be with YOU. Don't let them question who their date is. Also, when you're on a date, it is your responsibility to take care of your date that night. You are responsible for their experience. No pressure right??

Why do we date? Why not just "hand out" like most people do these days? That's fun too...
Elder Dallin H. Oaks said:

"If you wish to marry well, inquire well. Associations through "hanging out" or exchanging information on the Internet are not a sufficient basis for marriage. There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse's behavior in a variety of circumstances."

I'm not saying that if you date a guy you're going to end up marrying him. Not at all! But dating is the only way that you can truly find out if you and someone are compatible and if they're right for marriage. Just "hanging out" won't quite do it.

The divine role of a husband/father is explained in 3 P's as well:
Provide, Preside, and Protect. These go hand in hand with the 3 P's of dating! Coincidence?

Planned---> Preside
Paid for---> Provide
Paired off---> Protect

How cool is that?! More proof that dating is prep for marriage! Let us not be so caught up in all the fun that we forget about what it is that we are really looking for in a companion! Date with potential!

Cooties to Cuties

Remember when you were young and cooties actually existed?! Remember playing with your friends in Kindergarten and thinking that the boys (or girls) were so gross? I remember always running away from those stinky boys and wanting to stick with my friends. Why was it like that?? Now, boys are my favorite people to hang out with! (haha) Solution: WE WERE SO DIFFERENT and didn't appreciate those differences. The boys would always play in the mud, play sports, or see who could jump the farthest off of the swings, when us girls would play house, or make paper dolls, or just sit and talk. Why would we want to play with the boys when we could have fun doing "better things"?

As we get older, I think it becomes more and more obvious that boys and girls, males and females, are very different. Generally speaking, we have different mannerisms, interests, hobbies, feelings, taste buds, styles, bathrooms, shoe sizes, strengths, weaknesses, physical abilities, physical features, opinions, skills, hair products, family roles, hormones, brains, etc. THE LIST COULD GO ON FOREVER. FOOOORRRREEEEVVVEERRRRR!!!

So why is it that when we were younger we saw these differences as gross, but now we actually enjoy interacting with the opposite sex???
It's because we compliment each other! Think about it... When we females lack certain characteristics, (generally speaking) men can fill that gap. And vice versa. My parents are a great example of how both genders need each other to be successful. My dad is a dreamer. He is one that will come up with a wild and crazy idea, and spur of the moment decide that it's going to happen. He doesn't always think through his ideas, but knows that it sounds fun, so why not do it?? (I've got some of that in me.... Thanks dad...) My mom on the other hand is a thinker. She is the one that hears his ideas and knows all of the reasons why it may not be the best idea, or she knows exactly what must be done to make it happen. She thinks through all of the options and logistics. They complete each other. Without my mom, my dad would have all sort of spontaneous adventures planned, just to find out that it may not work out in the end. Without my dad, my mom wouldn't get to experience as many of the fun spontaneous adventures that they've had together. They need each other.

This is true in so many different ways.

David A. Bednar said:

"By divine design, men and women are intended to progress together toward perfection and a fullness of glory. Because of their distinctive temperaments and capacities, males and females each bring to a marriage relationship unique perspectives and experiences. The man and the woman contribute differently but equally to a oneness and a unity that can be achieved in no other way. The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and bless each other."

I love this quote! Think about it... We PERFECT each other! I can't wait until I am married and truly get to experience this for myself. I look forward to the day when I can grow in ways I didn't think possible, from my husband and his example. I look forward to being a mother, with a husband that I adore, and raising our children together with our distinct differences. I know I wouldn't be the same person if it wasn't for the different attributes that my parents contributed to our family. Both roles are so important in this life, and in the next.

Let us all be grateful for the differences we have! Let us look at them as ways to learn and grow, and become who we were each meant to be. Men and women aren't meant to be the same! We were born different to be different! Let's keep it that way! These differences are such blessings, if we will only take a minute to sit back and realize it!

For you country lovers out there! 

"A Boy and a Girl Thing"

What is Right?

In my last big post I wrote about the importance of taking time to truly understand someone and the reasons behind why they do what they do. Communication is key! This week in class we built off of that concept. We talked about culture; culture within families, culture within society, just culture. 

What exactly is culture? It refers to beliefs and values of a certain group of people. It is their behavioral patterns and tendencies. The interesting thing about culture is that it can change over time. It may change when you gets married, or when a child is born, or when a drastic event happens in your life... It's not always constant. But in the end, culture is how we live our lives based on our beliefs. 

More times than not, we as people see OUR culture as the way things should be. We even often times don't realize how different other cultures are until they clash and cause conflict with ours. This is a common issue when interacting with other people: whether it being marriage (as stated earlier), or even just getting new roommates. People were raised a certain way, and expect everyone to be on the same page as them when it comes to the way things should be done. 

Let me give you a few examples of me and my family culture:

1. While growing up, I would watch my mom talk to her mom on the phone every single day. When I was younger I thought it was crazy! I look at myself now, and I do the same thing. Faithfully, some time each day I give my mom a call, not because I feel that I have to, but because I love it and it has become "important" to me. I find myself thinking it's the weirdest thing ever when my friends only talk to their mom once a week, when to them it's probably completely normal. But not only that, I am probably looked at as a weirdo as well. 

2. In my home we eat dinner together as a family EVERY NIGHT whether everyone is there or not. Not only that, but it's at the dinner table and no technology is allowed. To me it's normal. I would often times go to my friend's homes and they would eat in front of the TV, or have to find food to feed themselves, or everyone would eat at different times. This is NOT a bad thing at all, but it's so different than what I am used to. 

3. In my family we are ALWAYS coming up with weird games to play. This is our way of being together and enjoying each other's company. I feel that you can more likely find us all doing some sort of wacky Olympics obstacle, having to guess the smell of the food put in front of us, or jumping over big obstacles of pillows and chairs than all of us just sitting and chatting with each other for hours (not that we don't ever just sit and talk). Some other families may find that talking together for hours is their way of quality time. Not weird, just different. 

4. My dad works full time and my mom is a stay at home mom. My dad is our provider and my mom works hard to raise us kids and create a home full of love and peace. To me, it's normal and what I look forward to in the future. I want to be able to be home for my kids and be able to be the one that raises them. I want to be there when they need me, like my mom was there for me. I look around me and that is very different for many people that I know. To them, they may see my family situation as different, or don't understand why, but I love it and wouldn't trade it for the world. 

So there are a few things that go on in my home. I love my family culture! But I feel that often times we develop the mindset of "there's only one proper way to do things."We need to make sure we check our assumptions and realize that just because things are different, doesn't mean they are bad! What we do is always going to be "different" to someone else. 

So when preparing for life in terms of family, it's important to take note of what values are important to you, and what values are important to your spouse, and implement those into your family. Create you OWN culture. It's ok to branch out and make your own. Think of things that you want to keep from yours, and come up with things you don't want to keep. Do the same with your spouse. Family is something created between the two of you, so make it special, and make it your own! 

I was just reading a talk by Elder D. Todd Christofferson called "The Moral Force of Women." It is an incredible talk. There was one thing that he said that I loved and it made me think of my blog.

"...there is not a higher good than motherhood and fatherhood in marriage. There is no superior career, and no amount of money, authority, or public acclaim can exceed the ultimate rewards of family." 

Are we striving each day to develop the attributes needed to become a successful parent in the Lord's eyes? Where are our priorities?

One more quote that I loved is by Elder Richard G. Scott, in his talk "Finding Happiness."

"Recognizing that you are a person who wants to live worthily and be obedient to Father in Heaven, how would Satan strive to lead you from the path to happiness? Surely he would not be successful by tempting you to commit serious transgression--at least not initially. He would more likely fill your mind and heart with visions of many, many worthwhile things--none of which could be criticized as being wrong, but taken together, they would so occupy your time that you would not do those things that are absolutely essential for eternal life with Father in Heaven and his Beloved Son."

What's THAT Supposed to Mean?

     Fun fact about me: I LOVE PEOPLE WATCHING. I love it love it love it. I love watching people interact and seeing how they handle different situations. Maybe it's because I'm a snoop, or maybe it's because I'm a Donovan (we love to know what's going on). The best place to people watch has got to be the airport. So many different people!
     It's crazy how everyone is so different. It blows me away to think about how everyone sees the world differently due to their own personal experiences and situations. Take me and my siblings for example... we were all raised the exact same way, we've all been through the exact same family trials and experiences, but we all turned out COMPLETELY different from each other. I even have a twin and we are polar opposites! Because we are so different, we see things differently. Something that may be a big deal to me could be a minor issue to my brother, or a trial that is easily fought by my sister could be a major battle for me. We all see the world differently. Period.
     Since everyone experiences life differently, we all have different reasons or motives behind our actions. You could say "symbols" of why we do things. They may be used to show appreciation, anger, gratitude, love, confusion, sorrow, etc. This describes what's called symbolic interaction which a theory used as an attempt to explain, or make sense of, why something happens. Symbols, if not well understood, can have negative effects on a relationship.

Here's an example...

On my mission I met this super cute couple. We were all talking about marriage and what can be difficult in it. They told me of a situation that the two of them had that was purely miscommunication and misunderstanding. Sarah (names have been changed) loved to cuddle. Cuddling was how she showed her love and appreciate. It probably had to do with the way she was raised. Sarah was raised in the Philippines and adored her family, they were all very close. Anyways, one night Sarah and her husband Chad went to bed. Sarah cuddled with him, as she always did, and fell asleep. Chad woke up to her snoring in his ear and asked her to sleep on her side of the bed. Little did he know Sarah was then heartbroken. She made up all sorts of scenarios in her head about him and his love for her. She took him asking her to stop cuddling as a sign of no longer loving her. She was fearful that he was seeing another woman and didn't even know what to do... she was distraught (a little dramatic of a conclusion if you ask me)! Due to the heartache, Sarah became distant with Chad and didn't talk to him much the following day. Chad didn't know what was up so he got a little upset and also didn't talk much. They ended up not talking to each other at all and didn't even know why. After the long time of awkward silences, they finally talked about it and got the issue off their chests. Sarah told Chad about how she felt and how she wasn't even sure if he loved her. Then Chad, so sad because of his wife's feelings, explained to her what happened. He went on to tell her that he loved her SO MUCH that he couldn't have her cuddling with him and snoring in his ear. He knew that if he allowed her to sleep that way, he wouldn't get a good nights rest, therefore making it difficult to work in the morning. He told her that he needed to sleep well so that he could work extra hard to be able to make a good living in order to support her and the family. THAT was the whole purpose of him asking her to move. Once the issue was talked about and resolved, everything was good between Sarah and Chad and they were happy as ever.

WHAT A CRAZY STORY HUH??? Perfect example! 

     Well believe it or not, stuff like that happens all the time. Maybe not to that extent, but it does happen.
     If these things aren't openly talked about, issues arise in no time. Open communication is everything. It is EXTREMELY important in relationships and family life. How else will we know what is going on with those we love if we can't even talk about it? I don't know about you, but I sure don't know how to read minds! We must break down the walls that all of us put up and be willing to take time to truly understand others.