Trust

Wow! It's been a long time since I've written a blog post and a lot has happened. My blog was originally created for my Family Relations class to share with everyone what I have learned and hopefully make a difference in someone's life. Well, that class is over now... and I'm glad to say that I finished with an A! Many people write their blogs and forget about them after the semester is over, and although it looks like that's been the case for me, I want to keep up on blogging. I love it! I love to be able to reflect on my life, what has happened, and what I've learned, and I love knowing that HOPEFULLY someone can benefit from it.

Let me catch you up a little on my life right now. A few weeks ago I was attending school at BYU-Idaho and I also planned staying there this semester (for winter). I even bought a housing contract. At the time I had been praying for guidance on different things I needed to be doing with my life. A few weeks after that, my roommates convinced me to go to a meeting where people were talking about a service trip. I went with the attitude that it was dumb, and really just went for the free food ;). After I had learned about the amazing opportunity to go to another country, take care of children in orphanages, volunteer at a hospital, and teach children English, my attitude started to change. I felt that I needed to go home and make money, and I really wanted to do that! So, I was going to Romania! I canceled my housing contract and was prepared to go home and work.

Over the rest of the semester, I my desire to go to Romania started to decrease. Now don't get me wrong, I still want to go and think it would be an amazing opportunity, but at the moment I feel like it's not for me. I also didn't love the idea of going to another country for a few months with no one that I know... but that's another story. Although my desires started changing, I still felt that I needed to go home this semester. So, that's what I did.

I came home and got to spend the wonderful holidays with my family and loved ones. My sweet grandparents drove my brother and I all the way to Missouri from Utah and stayed with us for the Christmas season. I loved having them here. It was so nice to be home for Christmas and New Years and to create more lasting memories. We spent the holidays just relaxing, laughing, eating way too much food, and playing weird games that my family came up with.

During all of this, and even a little before, I got back together with my sweet boyfriend Colton (our story is long and complicated, so I can definitely save that one for another time). Let me just tell you, he is so patient and so great! He has taught me a bunch about selfless service, hard work, obedience, love, dedication, and true Christ-like attributes. He's the best! We've already done a ton of fun stuff together and have seen each other every day since I've been home.

After the holidays, my brother moved out to Utah to get ready for his wedding, all my friends/family went back to school and work, and I got a few weeks to be with my cute mom. I have loved every minute. We have spent a lot of time talking and being together, and she will never know the great impact that she has had on me. Throughout these last couple of weeks, she has helped me overcome some of my fears and problems, and has given me faith for the future.

I am taking online classes at the moment to continue my education and just got offered a job and I start on Monday!! It's bitter-sweet because I am so excited and so grateful, but bummed that I'm going to not have this precious time with my mom anymore.

So, from the looks of it, it may look like my life just fell into place and everything is perfect... but that's not exactly how it went. As I've thought about this post, I thought back to school and all of the stress that I faced. I had a lot of big decisions to make ahead of me. I remember multiple times crying in confusion not knowing what to do with my life. My mom is great and always listened to me, even though I probably drove her nuts because it was always the same conversation that we had.

Here's a couple examples of things I've had to worry about recently (Even since I've been home):
-Should I pick up and go to Romania for a few months?
-What if I get super homesick? Or am super lonely?
-What about school? When will I ever finish?
-If I go home what am I going to do?
-Where am I going to get a job?
-What do I do with my relationship with Colton? Will things workout?
-What if I can't save enough money for school?
-How am I going to balance online classes with work?
-Will my relationship with my brother decrease after he moves?
-What if I go crazy living at home?

Today I've pondered why and how all of these things have been working out and I know that there is one main solution... TRUST. I remember back a few months ago I was praying really hard for some guidance. I was asking God for answers and wondering why it felt like nothing was happening, and then answer came to me one day. I got the impression that God knows me and He knows me perfectly. He knows how I am and He knows how I function. Don't get so caught up in making decisions right now because if I'm doing what's right, He won't let me make a wrong decision. He will lead and guide me, but I must be patient. After having all of these thoughts, I turned to the scriptures and it automatically turned to my favorite one:

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Trust is all we need! If we trust in God, we can't go wrong. I strive to live by that and live with the mindset that "everything will work out", and I believe that's why it does. I'm not saying that everything is perfect, but I do know that because of God I have experienced a lot of blessings lately. I don't know all that the future entails, but I do know that as I continue to trust in Him, everything will work out. Let us all strive this new year to strengthen our relationships with Jesus Christ and trust Him in all circumstances.

My cute family with Nana and Gramps!

Colton and I :)

One of my favorite Christmas activities: ugly sweater making contest! 

This week in class we talked about divorce and step families. This topic is a little more difficult for me to write about because I don't have much experience, and every situation is different. We learned a lot about the effects that these two things have on children and parents, but I feel like the greatest lesson that I learned this week was the importance of not judging others!

In situations of divorce, and remarriage, this transition can be very difficult for the family. I feel like many times, it is so easy for someone on the outside to sit back and make assumptions. It's easy to blame a certain individual, and it can sometimes cause a bad taste in their mouth. BUT, it's so important to remember that we really don't know everything. We don't always know what happened, and we have no idea of the emotions that are being dealt with. It is so important for us as friends, family, and neighbors to be there for support.

In situations of divorce, it can be difficult to adjust to the new life. The parents have to learn how to live without their significant other, they have to learn how to make things fair and equal with their ex, and it's difficult when it comes to the children and how much time they get to spend with each of their parents. Child support can be an issue. Trying to date again and open your heart may be very difficult for many and take a lot of time to overcome. Many people may have a hard time getting dates when others find out they are divorced with kids. Then, once re-marriage happens, it can be difficult for the new spouse to adjust to all of a sudden having a few step-children. It's difficult for the children when they have a new "parent" in their lives. It's important to be careful of how parenting is handled as a new step-parent. Children may have a difficult time getting close to their new step-parent in fears of betraying their birth parent or not accepting them as a parent. etc.

 There are many different contributors to why divorce and step families may be so difficult. But really, the point I am trying to make is that this is a difficult time for everyone involved. The least that we can do is lend a hand of support and be there for whenever they may need us. We must stay away from judging.

Here is a really great song about a step-father. It's really touching and shows how important it is to have both roles (father and mother) in the home. This video shows the blessings that can come from re-marriage, if we just let it.

The Greatest Joy

   For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom. When I was a little girl, I would spend my time playing with dolls and "mothering" them. I remember using my little girl charm and convincing my brother to play with me... this consisted of him being the baby, and I got to be his bossy mom. Don't ask me how I was able to make that one happen! ;) haha I remember growing up and always being asked what I wanted to be when I was older. My thoughts would always instantly turn to being a mom, having a career as my backup plan. Motherhood has always been a dream of mine, and it's become more real as I get closer to that stage of my life. Although I've always wanted this, I think I had a false idea of what it was like. I just pictured myself having these ADORABLE babies that were perfect in every way, but the older I grow, and the closer I get to my own mom, I realize how difficult parenting really is. I believe that it takes someone extra special to be a good mother... and father!!

   Good parenting is SO important! First off, you're raising a child of your own. You are teaching them everything that they know! These children come to the earth with no knowledge, and it's up to you and your spouse to provide them with good knowledge, morals, beliefs, and character. I know for me, I would much rather have my children learn from me and my husband, rather than from kids at school or random people we interact with. We have the privilege to mold our children into someone even better than we are ourselves, but learning from our weaknesses and teaching them better. Our parenting impacts society. The children that we raise will be going out into the world, and it's up to us to help them become the good citizens that they should be. Many people will be influenced and impacted by our children's decisions and actions... like a chain reaction! How do we want our children to leave their marks of society? Also, not only does our parenting impact our children and society, but it also has a HUGE effect on ourselves as parents. Now, I don't have any children yet, but I hear it is the greatest joy! I look forward to the growth that I will personally have when I have my own children: a love that I have never felt before, trials that I have never faced, and skills that I have never had to practice before. It'll be tough, but so enjoyable!

There are three main types of parents:

Authoritarian/ Autocratic: These parents are over-controlling, use harsh words, make themselves higher than their children, and use strict punishment. This style of parenting creates a power struggle which increases stress between parents and the kids, which can lead to an increase in rebellion.

Permissive: These parents allow freedom without limits. They have more of a "do what you want" attitude. There are very little enforced rules and active involvement in their children's lives.

*Authoritative/ Active: These parents allow freedom within limits. There are expanding limits as more trust is built... parents back off more as children mature. This relationship is focused on responsibility, respect, and courage. Parents watch their tones and words, and focus on talking to their children like adults, until trust is broken. Then, they strive to calmly sit down together and make plans TOGETHER about the best ways to deal with problems at hand. Consequences, relating to the main problem, are then enforced if children continue to disobey.
This is the best, and most effective ways to raise your own children.

   I believe that in order to be successful, you must make plans in advance on what you want to do to be better. It takes lots of practice. I know that parenting is tough, but I think it's important not to get discouraged. It takes time to become the parent that we want to be, but baby steps in the right direction will still make all the difference.

   One last thing is that I believe we need to keep the "golden rule" mentality. We need to make sure we are talking to and treating our children the way that we would like to be treated... with respect! They are still people and have feelings of their own (even more than I feel we do), so we need to be sensitive to that.

   I am SO EXCITED for when I get to be a mom! I can't wait to be able to start a little family of my own, and teach them what I have learned over the years. I just hope that I can become even half of what my parents were/are to me. What an exciting job!

Work It

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope everyone had a great time with family and loved ones this year! I sure enjoyed my Thanksgiving break. It was so nice to be away from school for a few days and to just be able to relax with those I love. It was fun to be with all of my different aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents and to enjoy all of their different personalities.

This class has made me more aware of/pay more attention to the different types of family systems and how they interact. It was neat to watch how each individual family interacted with each other this weekend.

I have learned even more this week of what I want for my future family. After seeing all of us together preparing for Thanksgiving, I have realized that I want a family that WORKS TOGETHER.

I feel that when families work together, such a strong bond is created. There is more cooperation, trust, creating, complementing, relying, and loving when families take time to actually BE TOGETHER rather than everyone off doing their own things. The experiences provided when families work together will be so much more valuable than those spent on recreation. Think about the olden days, when the main work was farming. It was a family project. Dad, Mom, AND kids would all work on the farm and in the house TOGETHER as a family. Bonds were strong, and families were very close. They had to rely on each other and worked together for their family's success. They didn't expect just one member of the family to provide, but they all contributed in different ways.

I believe that these types of relationships can be a lot more difficult now-a-days. Fathers are typically gone at work for 60+ hours a week, children are sent to school for 6+ hours a day, and mothers are either working or at home with younger children or preparing for when everyone comes home. It would make sense that you must work extra hard to have strong relationships like in the past. Families can't just automatically be strengthened either, the relationships must be worked at. Even after school and work, work still needs to be done around the house. It never ends. I believe the greatest way to truly strengthen family relationships is to work TOGETHER on things throughout the home and really focus on each other. If we focus so much on just completing the task at hand rather than working on it with the family, many growing and learning opportunities with your children will be passed up.

I recently read an article found at: http://magazine.byu.edu/article/family-work/
This was SO GOOD and gave so many great ideas of how you can successfully work within your families. CHECK IT OUT... It explains things way better than I ever could!

May we take time to slow down our busy lives and focus on those who matter most. As we strive to strengthen our family relationships, there will be such an increase of peace and joy in our homes.
The way to success is WORK!

Speak Now

Have you ever noticed how many times you miscommunicate with someone? Or you get offended by something someone said, or the facial expression that they made, just to find out they didn't intend to hurt you at all? I've noticed that in my life, communication is HUGE! I can't tell you how many times I misinterpret people's responses or reactions. I feel like it happens on a daily basis!

Did you know communication is made up of:
- 14% WORDS
- 35% TONE
- 51% NON-VERBAL
Did you know that you can never NOT communicate? Everything that we do is a type of communication! That means we need to be extra careful with the way that we act around people so that they don't get the wrong ideas of how we are feeling or what me mean.

I've learned that I need to openly talk with people to be on the same page, or else there is tension for sure! You never know what someone else is thinking, all you have to help you is their words, tone, and expressions/actions.

Communication is key in day-to-day living, but also in marriage. You must be able to openly talk about things in order to grow closer and progress. This is extremely important when it comes to decision making! As a married couple, you make decisions DAILY! It's important to be able to see where each other stands and then to make decisions TOGETHER.

Here is a suggestion of how we can better communicate with our spouse, make decisions together, and discuss problems as they arise:
-Be in a sacred place. Your individual homes are places that are set apart from the world, where we can be together in love and unity.
-Set aside a time weekly to be able to talk. Talk about issues and concerns, ideas and goals. Anything really!
-Start by expressing your love and appreciation for each other. Set aside any defenses.
-Begin with prayer. Pray for the Spirit to be there and for guidance.
-Be open and honest in your discussions with each other. Take turns speaking. Focus on what you both feel the best thing is, not so much on your own opinions. What would the Lord want you do to?
-Finish with prayer

It is important to know and remember the difference between COMPROMISE and CONSENSUS.
When we compromise with our spouse, we are both coming with opinions of things we individually want, and from there we decide what we are willing to give up in order to still get what we personally want. When there is consensus made, we are BOTH focusing on what the Lord wants for us. We are forgetting about what we want most, and are working to do His will, as a joint decision. I think this is super important to think about, but especially to remember. We came to earth to do the Lord's will. Sometimes we forget that and get so caught up in the world, but think about it! What's the point of being here if we're not working towards anything? If we're not doing what God wants us to do? He loves us so much that He will make sure we're happy and taken care of. He's not going to lead us to do something that won't bless our lives! So how about rather than focusing so much on ourselves and what we want, let's focus on what the Lord wants us to do...because ultimately, He knows us better than we know ourselves so He's going to know what'll be the best thing for us. As we do this, our relationships with our spouses will grow so much stronger as well.

Just think about the impact this way of counsel would have on a marriage! When there is time set aside to talk about things, and it is handled this way, many issues and struggles in the future can and will be prevented. All problems start small, and if you can catch them and talk about them before they starts to grow, that'll make all the difference!

Let us remember this week that no one can read our minds! They can only read the cues that we are giving them! Let's take time out of our busy lives to sit down and actually talk with people, and if there are concerns, confront them!

Arising From the Darkness

Everyone has a story! Everyone has their own battle they are fighting, or have fought that help make them who they are today. This is something that I try to remember and live by. Knowing this, we should never judge others until we truly get to know them and their stories.

This week has been a really hard, but also a really good week. It's been difficult because some of my own individual trials and struggles have come up and I've had to work hard to overcome them. It's been really good though because I have learned a lot about myself this week: how I deal with hardships, who I can trust and confide in, and also what I want to change in the future to be the person I am working to become. This week has also been really great because, while in the midst of my struggles, I've been able to talk to some of my really close friends and family and learn more about them and the battles they are fighting. My eyes have been opened even more to the concept that "everyone has a story." I was recently talking to someone very close to me. Looking at them, I assumed that they had a perfect life and never went through anything hard. I got jealous of them and wondered why my life couldn't be the same. And honestly, I kind of judged them for having such a "perfect" life. After sitting down and having a long heart-to-heart, I learned that I was completely wrong. They had gone through some super difficult things that made them who they are today. I felt TERRIBLE for just assuming things without ever taking time to sincerely get to know them. After our talk, I gained so much respect for them because of the battles they have conquered and because they were willing to share their story with me.
Looking back on this week, I am so grateful for all that I have learned.

Not only do we all have our own personal trials, but we as families go through hard times as well. Sometimes they arise because of the poor choices of others (or ourselves): addictions, infidelity, changes in beliefs, divorce, abuse, crimes, etc. And sometimes our family struggles come due to things that we have no control over: health problems, mental disorders, miscarriages, death of loved ones, losing a job, etc.
No matter what it is, it isn't easy, or even ideal to be dealing with. These can all be referred to as "FAMILY CRISIS."

I don't know about you, but I believe that it's so much easier to talk about how to cope with crisis, rather than to actually do it. It's so easy for me to get caught up in the moment of my discouragements that I forget about the techniques/tools we are all given to make them a little more bearable. For those of you struggling, LISTEN UP because I'm going to share a few coping patterns that definitely make a difference!

1. Take Responsibility: Don't deny or avoid the problem at hand, don't blame others, and do not play the victim game. If we live our lives blaming others or remain hurt and in pain because we were "the victim," it makes it so much harder to move forward, not looking back. We must take responsibility for our actions, and even the actions of others. Confrontation may be necessary in order to help the problem at hand.

2. Affirm Your Own and Your Family's Worth: Hardships have the tendency to destroy your self-esteem. Don't let that happen! I believe that in order to be successful, it first starts with believing it. If we don't believe we're good enough or can't conquer our trials, what is the likelihood of us actually doing that?? BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! And remember that everyone has their own battles; just because you have one you're fighting now, that doesn't make you any less important than someone else.

3. Balance Self-Concern with Other-Concern: It's so easy to focus so much on ourselves in trials that we forget about helping others. I know for me, the greatest way to forget myself and experience true joy is through service to others. BUT, we also must remember, we can't be TOO focused on other people that we forget about our own needs. There is a fine balance between the two but they both play such an important role in coping.

4. Learn the Art of Reframing: Change your perspective on a situation. The way we deal with things and the difficulty of our trials is all about our attitude! I was just talking to one of my friends the other day (different friend than earlier) and they were telling me about how they struggle with depression. They were telling me that it is really tough on them and a daily battle. It was neat though to see their perspective on the challenge. Instead of sitting and complaining about how much they wanted it to go away, they told me that they were actually grateful for this trial. WHAT?! They said that because of it, they have been able to help out others with the same problem and understand what they are going through. My friend has looked at the trial as a building and strengthening experience, rather than the opposite.

5. Find and Use Available Resources: There are numberless resources in the community. There are help groups, churches, therapists, doctors, tons of challenge specific programs, friends, family, books, etc. We must be proactive and find help. We can't expect our trials to just disappear if we aren't willing to do anything about them. I know for me, one of the greatest ways to cope is talking to someone who cares and won't judge. My poor mom gets an earful every time a new challenge comes up in my life. But, I am SO very grateful for her and her patience, her willingness to be there no matter the circumstances. Now I know that not everyone may have close family or friends that they feel comfortable talking to... so that leads me into my last and favorite way of coping!

6. God: God loves each of His children (us) so dearly that He sent His perfect Son Jesus Christ to suffer for us. He felt EVERYTHING. He felt our pains, our sorrows, sicknesses, discouragements, sins, regrets, struggles. Because of this, He is the only one that truly knows how we feel and how to help us. We must trust in Him and pray that He will give us strength to bear our trials, and I know He will. Christ is just waiting there to help us, BUT it's up to us to take the first step. This week I've had to rely on the Savior a lot, and it's amazing the amount of love and peace I've been able to feel. This is real and available to ALL who trust Him.

What's interesting to remember is that often times in our lives, trials come when we are doing things right. I believe this is because we are here on earth to grow and become better. Trials make us stretch and sometimes push us to the limit, but we always come out a stronger person in the end.

I'm interested to hear about your own individuals coping strategies and what works best for you or your family. Comment your ideas below!

This is one of my absolute FAVORITE quotes by Joseph B. Wirthlin!

Oh Come All Ye Faithful

Fidelity
noun

-faithfulness to a person, cause, or belief, demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support.

This is the topic of today's post. I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately... what keeps it strong, what tears it apart, the joys and hardships experienced, and I have gained a lot of new insights.

Honestly, I've gotten a little more fearful about the future, but also have learned the importance of working at it and giving your all. Many marriages fail because of a lack of work. You can't expect a marriage to last if you're not willing to constantly try to strengthen it. I feel that many times we picture marriage as a fairytale and don't think about all that it entails. When hardships arise, we don't quite know what to do because it wasn't "in our plans." It's important that we recognize this and realize that we (and our spouse) are in COMPLETE control of what happens within the marriage. We all have the ability to keep it strong and safe! But, we must work together as a team! Not one person can do it alone!

Just recently I've realized quite a few people I know have suffered from divorce. It's becoming more and more common and it just breaks my heart. I keep randomly hearing about some of my friends whose marriages haven't lasted. Now I have NO IDEA what caused the divorces or why, and it's not my business at all. But, I do know that infidelity is a huge cause for many divorces no-a-days (don't get me wrong, I am not saying that this is what my friends have done). I feel like it's EVERYWHERE! It's in movies, on TV, on the radio, in books... everywhere I look I feel that it is brought up. It is SO common now and such a heartbreaking though.

We've learned in class this week that even the strongest of people who never would've even considered cheating have messed up. This is because we get so comfortable that we don't make a conscious effort to strengthen our marriages. Most people don't just one day decide that they're going to cheat, but more times than not it starts with small actions that eventually lead to bigger.

Now I don't want this entry to be a negative one and talk about all of the bad things that people do, I want the complete opposite. So, I'm going to discuss a few things that can/must be done to remain faithful, loyal, and have complete fidelity to your spouse.
-There must be boundaries that are kept within a marriage. Certain things must remain between the two of you. That's where loyalty comes in. When a spouse goes out and discusses sensitive or private things with other friends or family members, trust issues are formed and it can cause issues in the future.
-Marital problems should be kept between you and your spouse, and a professional/religious leader if necessary. Grudges with family/friends last a lot longer than they need to sometimes. So, if someone talks badly about their spouse to a trusted friend or family member, their viewpoint of them may change... and even if things get better in the future, they still may keep the same opinions and think that things are still going badly.
-Avoid confiding in an individual of the opposite sex, besides your spouse. Many times, these topics discussed are close to the heart and very personal. Confiding in others can create a stronger relationship between the two of you, so obviously not a good idea with someone rather than your spouse.
-Your spouse is your best friend. It's hard, but when one gets married, friendships with the opposite sex many times must be cut off, or very distant. What good is it to have a close friend of the opposite gender after you're married anyways? What's the point? It's important that your friends are your spouse's friends as well. Do things as couples. Avoid personal chats with friends of the opposite gender on social media, and remain open with your spouse.
-Give your WHOLE heart. Don't hold back on anything. When you marry, you are COMPLETELY committed to your spouse and no one else.
-Keep your thoughts positive and on your spouse. NO ONE ELSE.
-AVOID PORNOGRAPHY!!! It is so dangerous and destroys marriages! We all marry someone with imperfections, but we still love them because it's REAL. You're marriage and relationship is REAL. What a wonderful thing that is!
-Be kind and loving on the inside!
-Openly communicate and talk about your problems or concerns. No one can change unless they know what they are doing wrong.

These are only a few ways to keep your marriage strong and remain faithful to your spouse, but they are SO important... every single one of them.

Spencer W. Kimball nails it right on the head with this powerful quote:

"There are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband. The Lord says in no uncertain terms: 'Thous shalt love they wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.' And, when the Lord says ALL thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving. And, to the woman it is paraphrased: 'Thou shalt love thy husband with ALL thy heart and shalt cleave unto him and none else.' The words NONE ELSE eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse."

POWERFUL! Cleave unto your spouses! And if not married yet (like me) prepare yourself for when that day comes so that we can be as faithful and loyal as the Lord would want us to be.